a recreation of a dumb sports conversation (all sports)

[brinstar]

so my friend, we'll call him darrell, is kind of a fruit fly. barely understands sarcasm, often oblivious to all but the most obvious subtexts in any given conversation. the kind of guy who posts in a public facebook event with hundreds of invitees about why he can't go.

anyway darrell plays on my softball team, and as we're sponsored by a bar, we're somewhat obligated to go that bar after our games. couple weeks ago, we're sitting at our table (about half the team is there) and there's a baseball game on a nearby TV. it was cubs/cards, so naturally i was interested - but i was only watching out of the corner of my eye because we were primarily there to socialize as teammates.

there's some big play that grabs my full attention and most of the table turns to watch the replay, with varying reactions. once everyone recenters, darrell asks the group "which sport do you guys think is harder?" madness ensues:

me: what do you mean harder
darrell: i just mean which one is harder
sarah: like... which sport is physically harder?
darrell: no, just harder
me: i think the sports are just too different to compare, really
d: no they're not
s: yeah it's pretty hard to make a blanket judgement call
d: so don't make one, just answer the question
s: what
me: man you have to be more specific, different sports are hard for different reasons
d: i don't have to be more specific if i don't want to, just answer the question
me: it's an unanswerable question without further clarification
d: no it's not
jared: yeah it is, you really have to tell us what you mean by "harder". like, more physically demanding?
d: it's a simple question
me: it's a useless question
d: no it's not
me: alright, which sport do YOU think is harder
d: i don't know but look at how much running you have to do in basketball
me: okay
d: i mean nobody in baseball has to run that much
s: so you DO mean physically demanding
d: no i mean it's harder
me: haha what the hell
d: or look at soccer
j: okay what about soccer
d: the refs alone average six miles per game
me: again you're talking about physicality
d: look at the ref in baseball
me: uhhhh the ump?
d: yeah he just stands there and goes "HAARRRRRR" a few times a game
d: *proceeds to imitate a home plate ump way too many times and way too loud*
me: oh my god can you not
d: there's nothing hard about that
me: well first of all they rotate from game to game
d: okay
me: and the umps in the field do run around a bit
d: but it's easier than a soccer ref
s: maybe physically yeah but they're professionals for a reason
d: so it's easier that's what i'm saying
j: but they still have to make very important snap decisions and there's a lot of pressure
d: but it's easier
s: what about football
d: what about it
s: those guys have to get huge and run around a lot and smash into each other
me: yeah half of them get degenerative brain problems
d: but they wear gear
me: so it's easier?
d: yeah
me: lmao okay
j: what about hockey, those guys work so hard they have to take shifts
d: see they get a break, nobody in soccer gets breaks
me: oh my god
d: i'm just saying
me: you wanna talk about breaks, let's talk about season length
d: okay what about it
me: basketball has what, 60 games plus postseason? 70?
d: so
me: anyone know how many games a soccer season has
d: nope
s: nah
j: no
me: well anyway football has SIXTEEN games and they only play on sundays
s: but they train all week long so i'm not sure that's fair
me: okay fine
d: what's your point
me: there are 162 games in a baseball season, not counting preseason and offseason training
d: and
me: idk about a game-for-game comparison but you can't look at a whole season and begin to compare which sport is harder
d: why not
me: goddamnit
s: like i said, that's all physical fitness. what about all the hand-eye coordination? hockey goalies, baseball pitchers and batters, etc
d: so? basketball has dribbling and shooting
me: major league pitchers fuck up their arms so frequently that they pretty much just plan for it now
j: yeah does that happen in other sports?
me: not that i know of, unless you count knee problems in football
d: but is it harder
s: if that stuff wasn't incredibly hard, everyone would do it
d: but it's not harder
s: if you want to talk pure physicality, then yeah, basketball or soccer definitely require more overall physical fitness than baseball
me: that's why you see prince fielder making bank year after year - he is a portly dude, he's not carved out of wood like neymar or kobe, but he is a monster hitter and does his job at first base.
d: so you admit it's harder
me: once again you have to put parameters on such a broad question or you're not going to get any kind of real answer, different sports are hard in different ways and that's the best answer you're going to get
d: i don't have to put parameters on it if i don't want to, why can't you give me a straight answer
me: okay we're done here i think
d: we're done because you refuse to give me an answer?
me: no we're done because it's clear you're not serious about this conversation
d: are you serious
me: sarah what kind of beer did you get
s: oh i got the sour
j: is it better than the kolsch
s: I DON'T KNOW IT'S TOO DIFFERENT TO COMPARE

[Drem]

that made me want to pour my beer out and go home. but i'm already there

god i hate the "what sport's tougher or better" or whatever conversation. people like what they like, that's it. i mostly played basketball and football growing up (with a little soccer and a little baseball and a little track n field) and now i don't like those sports at all. i don't start shit with people that talk about these things tho because i just don't do that. i find humble solace in the fact that my favorite sports are loved by just as many, even if the many aren't the few i see every day. at least i can talk to people on reddit about it. yeah, hearing people that like the other popular stuff around here (it's always about football or basketball. that's it) talk shit about what i like gets old but i'm used to it

for the record, in MLS and Bundesliga it's about 34 games a season; Premier, Serie A and La Liga go for 38

[Jay]

I have nothing to add to this cept to say that soccer is definitely the most physically taxing sport while Rugby is the most brutal.

[brinstar]

BUT WHICH ONE IS HARDER

[Arlos]

I would argue that water polo is probably at least as physically taxing as soccer, since there's literally zero time you can coast and rest, because swimming.