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Why would you ever want to marry someone before living with them? That's crazy talk ><

Forgive me, but unless you are religious, then why wouldn't you do a trial and spend a year living with the guy psuedo marriage before making the plunge?

if he wanted to I would, but not right away. I think it'd be fun to hang out living separately at first, then maybe move in. I'm not completely opposed to it...just cautious. I'm 30 and every relationship I've had that involved living with the other person has failed. perhaps I think I could be conventional for once. imagine that.

How is wanting to get married before even living with someone considered even remotely "cautious" >< I don't get it.

Because then sanctity of being married would be accompanied with living with him and in my mind that is the entire idea.

some say cliche things like "test drive the car first" or whatever..

but I think there's something that is lost when you live the life before doing the deed.

doing the deed, then living the life seems appropriate for success. to me, it makes about as much sense to say "try living together before you get married!" as it does to say "here's a trial baby, do this before you get pregnant!"

the novelty is ruined. that's just me. it's my life. I'm 30 and living together isn't that great. I've done it three times.

I don't comprehend how marrying someone will automatically make living with them suddenly work. If you live with them first and it doesn't work, no harm. If you get married, live with him and it doesn't work then.....have fun with all the divorce BS.

Test driving a car is a lot different than test driving a marriage.

Don't fool yourself into the thinking that just because you get married that you're going to force yourself into being happy because that just makes it worse.

If anything, I would say you should get a few counseling sessions.

ugh, I don't need counseling. I have you people.

I'm not saying that a marriage would work simply based on the fact that two people didn't live together first.

I'm saying that in my mind, I'd like that order of operation. I think that living together involves too much pressure. I've done it and it doesn't work. Not for me.

when I think of this man, I think of him as my best friend. He's the one I want to have kids with. He's precious to me. I intend to take care of him if we're ever going to do it, I want to do it the best way I can. In my mind, he is worth that.

make sense?

araby wrote: I think that living together involves too much pressure. I've done it and it doesn't work. Not for me.

I don't get it. Are you going to live seperated after marriage?

Tacks wrote:

araby wrote: I think that living together involves too much pressure. I've done it and it doesn't work. Not for me.

I don't get it. Are you going to live seperated after marriage?

You are so silly sometimes. Of course not. I explained a couple of posts ago that the living together part is part of the novelty of marriage that I look forward to. In *my* mind...it goes hand in hand. In *my* mind, living together sounds fun! (In marriage.)

You're talking to a woman who knows what she wants. I am feeling like I am doing that for the first time in a long time and it's kind of exciting to want love and family as opposed to sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

Of course we haven't ask him what he wants. I mean, he did ask me to marry him, but that was last year. He might marry someone else...you never know. Either way, I am slowing this train down.

araby wrote:if he wanted to I would, but not right away. I think it'd be fun to hang out living separately at first, then maybe move in. I'm not completely opposed to it...just cautious. I'm 30 and every relationship I've had that involved living with the other person has failed. perhaps I think I could be conventional for once. imagine that.

The reasons your relationships failed has nothing to do with being married or not, but moreso your choice in dude.

Also, 30 is still very young. Most guys at 30 are just starting to act like big people.

Contemplating marriage when one is emotionally fragile and with said marriage being during the period of rebound time is a huge recipe for disaster, in my opinion.

lyion wrote:

araby wrote:if he wanted to I would, but not right away. I think it'd be fun to hang out living separately at first, then maybe move in. I'm not completely opposed to it...just cautious. I'm 30 and every relationship I've had that involved living with the other person has failed. perhaps I think I could be conventional for once. imagine that.

The reasons your relationships failed has nothing to do with being married or not, but moreso your choice in dude.

Also, 30 is still very young. Most guys at 30 are just starting to act like big people.

yah I agree...this guy is my age actually. and he's a pretty cool guy. my favorite.

Statistically, folks that live together prior to marriage more often divorce than stay married (not looking for proof but this is what I've been told).

However, I'm of the opinion that not living together prior to marriage is also a bad idea.

First marriage, lived together 4 years, divorced after 4 years, 8 year loss IMO.

Second marriage, dated 1.5 years, lived together 4 months, working on year 11 of marriage.

Bother-in-law, just marriead, dated 2 years, didn't live together, all sorts of issues are cropping up because of the unknowns (she this, he that, I didn't know, etc etc).

Point being, live together after a commitment has been made (engaged) and 1-4 months (IMO) prior to the wedding date (e.g. wedding is set, all arrangements set, paid, etc).

Just my 2cps

ClakarEQ wrote:Point being, live together after a commitment has been made (engaged) and 1-4 months (IMO) prior to the wedding date (e.g. wedding is set, all arrangements set, paid, etc).

I could do this.

Change that to 6-8 months and I would agree.

lyion wrote:Also, 30 is still very young. Most guys at 30 are just starting to act like big people.

30 != very young
maybe young, *maybe*.

Considering men die at ~73, you've got just over half your life to live

My Granny died at 62. I'm almost halfway there if I follow suit.

I don't feel a ticking clock or anything, I know I am young. I know I still got it...dudes want my phone number all the time. the ex can't leave me alone, blah blah blah.

my point is that I feel pretty sure about what I want now. Isn't it about time? At 30? I have NEVER wanted to settle down before and I'm feeling it now. It just feels natural, like it's the next thing. I don't know how to explain myself.

Tacks wrote:Change that to 6-8 months and I would agree.

too long.

IMO you will lose the "new" feeling if you live together for 6 months. It is also too much time for the man to back out, and frankly it usually is the man. However if time and money commitments have been made, you'd have better odds going for the long haul.

I look at it this way, in terms of living together

month 1 = you still aren't 100% yourself, you're anxious, almost like a first date sort of feeling

month 2 = open up a bit more, leave your dirty clothes out, (or whatever, etc)

month 3 = the real you begins to show up, maybe walk around nude, who knows what

month 4 = all the pet peave shit should be exposed by now and discussed, toothpaste caps, clenlyness(sp), etc

month 5 and beyond = same shit different day, routine has been established, very few if any "new" things are discovered, etc

Again though, just my 2cps

ClakarEQ wrote:Statistically, folks that live together prior to marriage more often divorce than stay married (not looking for proof but this is what I've been told).

Statistics are bunk, though. I think this phenomenon is moreso related to the transient nature of our modern day society, and the changing views of so many people than any standard of comparison.

First marriage, lived together 4 years, divorced after 4 years, 8 year loss IMO.

Second marriage, dated 1.5 years, lived together 4 months, working on year 11 of marriage.

A lot of this also can be attributed to you were older, wiser, and more stable when you were married the second time.

Generally, most second marriages are between people who aren't living together that long, but understand the big picture, which also can be why they are more successful.

I was married at 23 and while I was responsible, like most guys I absolutely was not ready for marriage, nor was she. It would'nt have married if we had dated or lived together any period of time beforehand.

Point being, live together after a commitment has been made (engaged) and 1-4 months (IMO) prior to the wedding date (e.g. wedding is set, all arrangements set, paid, etc).

Gotta agree with Taxx. That needs to be at least 6-8 months. Preferably 2 years, or so. 4 months is a football season. That isn't enough time to learn anything.

More important than the time period is the commonalities. If one marries a person who likes and does a lot of the same things, and has the same values, then it'll probably work. If either of those things are largely different, it won't.

Lyion if you don't know the person in 4 months of living with them, then there are other problems

If it takes 6+ months for you to know someone, that ain't right and if I get the notion and want to take the time.... statistics would say the longer you live together prior to marriage, the better your odds for divorce.

I know both marriage counslers (required BS class if you ask me) mentioned this, I read it someplace but that doesn't me crap.

/agree with you on commonalities, but it shouldn't take 6+ months to determine those.

EDIT

Also, 2 years is a long time to piss away, "just to find out", give me a break, either you commit or you don't, taking 6+ months of living together is BS.

From an outside view, this appears to be a very abrupt jump.

I can see that. However, I've known him almost eight years. We've been friends a long time. I am not pushing time, I'm not rushing anything. I'm saying I'd like to do it. I know I want to marry him, just been wondering when I'd want to get married.

getting married seemed like the most ridiculous idea in the world to me before, probably for reasons that lyion mentioned..it was the wrong guy.

this man has just always been there. In fact, one could speculate he is the reason my other relationships failed. haha...he probably was.

4 months you still have that new car smell and everything is great together. Once you get further along you know if there will be problems in the future or not. 4 months is like honeymoon time.

That would be like me marrying my ex last year.

Friend for 10+ years, blah blah blah, everything is great for 6-8 months or so....

BLAM shit hits the fan faster than I can really piece the bullshit together in my head. I still sit sometimes trying to piece that whole explosion together and come up empty.

I wouldn't rush into MARRIAGE like it's something so trivial as it seems you view it as.

i dont wanna get married

dont do it