Why I'm conservative

[Kaeerwen]

Just once, I'd like to walk into the store and ask for a condom.

I'd like a condom please, because I'm going to have sex with my wife, and my religion allows it.

In fact, I'll take the French Tickler!

[The Kizzy]

I do believe that the Bible says you should romance your wife, just an FYI

[Diabolik]

<b>Jesus Hates Stupid Homosexuals Like You</b>


Are you so dumb that you actually believe that Jesus loves faggots? In a recent interview, Jesus dispells all myths that he supports any sort of gay lifestyle. If you are gay and you don't believe that Jesus hates you, read on. You may be surprised to find out the real truth straight from the mouth of the Son of God.

Are you a homosexual? Do you think it's okay to have sex with men and then turn around and go to church and worship God and Jesus? Are you really THAT screwed up?

This interview with Jesus was conducted specifically with screwed-up homosexuals like you in mind. Jesus hates your guts for being gay, and he isn't afraid to say so. Jesus isn't the only one who hates your perverted lifestyle. Your parents and your friends...who have been telling you that they understand your "alternative lifestyle"--hate you deep down as well.

Go ahead. Parade up and down the streets and try to make everyone believe that being a homosexual is acceptable and okay. You know it's really a lie. It's a lie that you've made up to try and delude yourself into thinking that your deformed psyche and personality are actually acceptable.

The Bible is where all truth lies. Anyone who knows God knows that anyone who believes in anything other than God and the Bible is sinful and wrong. There has been a great deal of controversy of late about whether or not a person can be both a Christian and a homosexual. To straighten out all the facts underlying this most confusing issue, we went directly to the source and interviewed Jesus himself to get his views on this topic.

This interview is by no means meant to be one-sided or opinionated. We are simply presenting views expressed by the blessed individual himself.

If you haven't found Jesus, you haven't been looking very hard. He is, in fact, very easy to find. Fortunately, we happened to have a tape recorder with us when we found him.

When we approached Jesus, he was sitting on a stone looking rather pensive and disturbed. He was pleased to answer each and every one of our questions.

<i>Hello Jesus. That's a nice stone you're sitting on.</i>

Thank you, my son. I understand you want to ask me some questions about homosexuality.

<i>That is correct. How do you feel about homosexuality? Is it okay to be gay?</i>

To be honest with you, I'd have to say that I hate goddamn faggots. They make me so sick with all their stupid little gestures, their silly voices, and the dumb clothes they wear. Do I think it's okay to be gay? Certainly not. My Father taught me that homosexuals are the scum of the earth, and I believe every word that my Father says.

<i>Can a person be both a Christian and a Homosexual?</i>

Only if he's got his head way, way, WAY up his ass! Only an idiot would say he believes in God and the turn around and stick his carrot inside another man's mystery hole. I can say with utmost certainty that Christianity and Homosexuality DO NOT mix.

<i>Would you forgive a person for being gay if he loved you?</i>

I don't forgive nobody for nothing.

<i>What did God tell you about Homosexuality?</i>

When I was only 5 years old, God greased up my carrot and held it in his hand. As he lovingly stroked my onions he told me, "Son, don't you ever let any man do what I'm doing to you right now. Only stick your carrot into barnholes. Carrots go into barnholes. Got that? Don't you go sticking your carrot into another man's mouth or mystery hole...or you'll DIE and go to HELL."

<i>And did you believe him?</i>

I sure did! If I hadn't believed what he told me, you can bet I would have acted on my desires long ago and jumped every man on earth.

<i>What? What did you say?!?</i>

Don't you get it? All men are homosexuals! But God says it's wrong, so no one is supposed to act on their true desires! That's the basis of Christianity. You're not supposed to do the things you really want to do. Next question.

<i>How big are you, Jesus?</i>

As you might have guessed, I have a huge carrot and I'm uncut. You can hold it if you like. No...wait. That would be wrong. Very, very wrong.

<i>What does the Bible say about Homosexuality?</i>

In the Book of Romans:

"Thou shalt only put thy greased up carrot into barnholes."

In the Book of Moses:

"And God said, 'You are a bunch of stupid faggots and I hate you all.'"

In the Book of Corintheans:

"Screw off, you filthy homosexual pigs! You're all a bunch of retarded perverts! God vomits all over you, you stupid morons!"

In the Book of Proverbs:

"Don't give into your desires. It is best to live a lie for your entire life."

For further information, obtain these brochures:

A. "Jesus Used His Carrot the Right Way"
B. "God Hates People That Use Drugs"
C. "What Does God's Semen Taste Like?"
D. "Satan is a Stupid Fag, Just Like You"

- from Babysue.com

[Narrock]

That was moderately humorous

[Diabolik]

Uncut carrots are comedy gold!

[vonkaar]

Congrats! Hall of Shame!

[Captain Insano]

see him/her come home with body piercings, purple hair, and breath reeking of marijuana?

don't talk about tossica like taht!

[dragonslayer]

where has the old ways of life gone

[dragonslayer]

they wonder why kids grow up bad because they take half ther rights away very young

[Captain Insano]

thats what i'm screamin

[labbats]

So were Paul Reiser and that other guy on "My Two Dads" totally gay or what?