My little brother killed himself

[Harrison]

They just found him hanging from a tree in the yard of our old childhood home. I don't want sympathy, I just want to explain why I'm not around anymore if I decide to take off.

His birthday was the 18th. We found out last night. I'm still waiting for someone to come and tell me it's a joke...

They're going to come back with the autopsy and let us know exactly when he did it, and I have a feeling it's going to cause problems with the family. He was missing since Thursday last week, but we never thought anything of it.


There's nothing anyone can do. I appreciate the sentiment, but it's something you either get through or you don't.

I am currently handling it better than the rest of my family but I don't think I can last. They're looking to blame themselves for "not doing enough" and I keep trying to explain that away, but I don't have the energy to keep that up. If someone is going to do it, they are going to. There is nothing any of us could have done, in hindsight.

[brinstar]

fuck man, i saw a bleep about it on fb and figured oh the kid just ran off or something but this... this is way beyond okay

it's good that you're trying to convince others they shouldn't feel guilt, because that's definitely true. if anything it's society in general that should feel guilt when something like this happens - we can clone sheep and we can put a satellite the size of a candy bar in orbit, but shit's still murky when it comes to neuropsychology and as a result no one has any idea how to read anything but the most obvious warning signs

i just want to add two things

first, like i said it's good that you're trying to be a rock for your family but don't get so wrapped up in heroics that you don't give yourself enough time to grieve/mourn/process. a few years back i went to the funeral of a guy i knew in hastings who offed himself and it was absolutely awful. after the service we all gathered at his favorite bookstore to read his poetry to each other. the pastor was there too, since he was also friends with the guy, and when he walked in he saw that everyone was trying to hold back a tide so he pulled out a couple boxes of kleenexes and said "this is gonna get messy, so let's just go ahead and make a fuckin' mess" (fun fact: only time i've ever heard clergy swear) and i think there was something about hearing a figure traditionally viewed as strong and stoic give us all permission to weep like babbies (and then join us in doing so) that really kickstarted the healing process. back to my point - be a rock if that's something you're good at, but be a human too. he was your kid brother, it's okay to let yourself feel what needs to be felt. don't set it all aside just to be a hero, because that might make it even worse in the long run

and second, idk what you mean when you say you might "take off" but as always you're welcome to crash in my spare room if fate brings you our way. i obv didn't know your brother (and barely know you) but i've always found that friendly faces and numerous large beers improve virtually every situation

[Arlos]

You may not want sympathy, but you've certainly got it.

Like Brin said, don't be afraid to go to a couple friends you care about, and just let yourself break down and let it all out whil they are there to get you back up again afterward.

-Arlos

[leah]

ya, you are more than welcome to come stay in nebraska for a while as you try to get your emotions and everything figured out. alex has a spare room and we'd love to show you a good time. i know i told you that already but i really mean it. it might do you some good to just get away from a place that's full of sad reminders and gloom and come clear your head with people who care about you, even if we don't technically know you.

everything else alex says is completely on point, too. this is not your fault, nor anyone else's, and you all need to be able to feel your feelings rather than trying to lock it up and be a soldier for everyone else. this is a shitty, shitty thing that's happened, and it hurts and it sucks and it's not going to get better for a while. but you need to let yourself experience all of those feelings or else it'll become a poison in the pit of your stomach.

WE LOVE YOU. please take care of yourself. and if that means coming to visit some far-flung friends, then please do. <3

[Jay]

In situations like this bud I hope you don't think it weak or whatever to seek counseling. If you decide to give it a shot and see that it helps ease the pain a bit, recommend it to your family and friends.

Like Lyion said, you might not want sympathy but you got it man. While there's nothing I can do for you at the very least I can keep you and yours in my thoughts and actually hearing about this makes me want to give my own brother a call to let him know I'm still around.

[Lyion]

I hope you get help and find some solace somehow. It is not just something you get through, from my experiences. One needs to remember, reflect, and most importantly mourn.

Do what you gotta do, but the best way to get through trauma is friendship and love.

I agree with what I didn't really say

Like Lyion said, you might not want sympathy but you got it man. While there's nothing I can do for you at the very least I can keep you and yours in my thoughts and actually hearing about this makes me want to give my own brother a call to let him know I'm still around.

p.s. I know Arlos and I are close in age, but despite our very similar political views we are indeed different people.

[10sun]

Get a few drinks & have a proper wake.

Crying with others feels good.

Holding it in and breaking up at a simple unexpected reminder fucking sucks.

I have had a few people close to me kill themselves.
Never hanging, but self immolation, OD'ing, shotgun to the mouth, and most recently wrist slashing. Only one left a note...

I can't pretend to know the anguish of losing a brother, but I do know the guilt, remorse, anger, and strife that suicide leaves behind.
Drink, cry, and tell stories with family. It helps get you started on the right path.

[Jay]

Sorry Lyion I meant Arlos. Red names and all =\

[Lyion]

It's cool, the Admin thingy does look identical. Just trying to interject some levity into an unfun and sad subject.

[Tossica]

[Harrison]

Every morning I wake up and I forget for a few seconds, then it starts all over again.

We just got a bunch of stuff from his apartment and going through that stuff is going to suck giant floppy donkeycocks.

[Spazz]

Youll get through it dude. It takes forever to feel anywhere close to normal again and it sucks for a long time. The best advice I can give and I know you dont want to hear is this. Dont run from the pain dont hide it behind drugs and alcohol it will only make it worse and take longer to deal with. It takes a long time to get through (not over) because it will always be with you but just hang in there and life will be as ok as it can be again some day.

Im not really good with words of comfort and I know words over the internet or even words from friends and family dont dull the pain. Just just hang there dude.

[Harrison]

Thank you everyone.

I'm not doing too bad, really. I almost feel guilty for not being a wreck.

[brinstar]

you might just be numb then

granted i haven't had to deal with a lot of personal loss in my life* but i'd be suspicious of anyone that tells me they're okay inside of a week. not right, necessarily - just suspicious


*aside from our 16yo family cat a few weeks ago (which i'm still not fully ready to talk about with anyone but a few close people)

[Drem]

every time someone i know dies i just think of it as, in its simplest terms, them going to a better place because the world is a mess

i reminisce on the last few times we were together, do a prost, pour a beer out, and move on

clock in, clock the fuck out. as long as you (and you obv. do) know that life moves on and nothing's forever, you can't really feel too bad about a loved one passing away. (sh)it happens

i know you think i'm a bitch or whatever but, cheers to life, keep your chin up. if i lived near you i'd take you out for drinks

[Narrock]

Damn, a lot has happened since I last logged in over 3 weeks ago... So sorry to hear about your loss Harrison. I can't even imagine what your family is going through. Drem has it right though... he is in a better place now and is no longer subject to life's torments and pain. Kudos for being the rock in your family. They will need that strength you provide them.

[Trielelvan]

Harri, I'm so very sorry for you and your family's loss.

I'm just going to emphasize what's already been said: let yourself feel it and don't hold back when it does.
You're a realist, and that's probably why you've held it together so well. There's no way but forward.
Just make sure you take care of you, and don't feel guilty for any time you need to take.
My heart goes out to your family.