Colleges Try to Deal With Hovering Parents

[Martrae]

Aug 28, 6:09 PM (ET)

By JUSTIN POPE

HAMILTON, N.Y. (AP) - They're called "helicopter parents," for their habit of hovering - hyper-involved - over their children's lives. Here at Colgate University, as elsewhere, they have become increasingly bold in recent years, telephoning administrators to complain about their children's housing assignments, roommates and grades.

Recently, one parent demanded to know what Colgate planned to do about the sub-par plumbing her daughter encountered on a study-abroad trip to China.

"That's just part of how this generation has been raised," said Mark Thompson, head of Colgate's counseling services. "You add a $40,000 price tag for a school like Colgate, and you have high expectations for what you get."

For years, officials here responded to such calls by biting their lips and making an effort to keep parents happy.

But at freshman orientation here last week, parents heard a different message: Colgate is making educating students a higher priority than customer service. The liberal arts college of 2,750 students has concluded helicopter parenting has gotten out of hand, undermining the out-of-the-classroom lessons on problem-solving, seeking help and compromise that should be part of a college education.

Those lessons can't be learned if the response to every difficulty is a call to mom and dad for help.

"We noticed what everybody else noticed. We have a generation of parents that are heavily involved in their students lives and it causes all sorts of problems," said Dean of the College Adam Weinberg. College, he said, should be "a time when you go from living in someone else's house to becoming a functioning, autonomous person."

Colgate says it has ample resources to help students. But when parents call, unless there's a safety risk, they're usually told to encourage their children to seek out those resources themselves.

As for the China inquiry, Weinberg said, "we tried to explain in the 21st century, the ability to plop down in a foreign country and hit the ground running is a fundamental skill."

Heightened parental involvement is one of the biggest changes on college campuses in the last decade, experts say. One major reason is the tight bond between Baby Boomer parents and their children.

"This is a group of parents who have been more involved in their children's development since in utero on than any generation in American history," said Helen E. Johnson, author of "Don't Tell Me What To Do, Just Send Money," a guide for college parents. "I think colleges have been far too responsive in inappropriate ways to this very savvy group of consumers."

Another factor is cell phones. The era of the 10-minute weekly check-in from the pay phone in the hall has given way to nearly constant contact. Rob Sobelman, a Colgate sophomore, says when students walk out of a test, many dial home immediately to report how it went. One friend checks in with her mother every night before going to sleep, he said.

"Even 10 years ago, parents couldn't even get hold of their children," said Colgate President Rebecca Chopp. "If you reached them once a week it was a miracle." Now she says she's hearing from older alumni who are "worried their grandchildren won't learn accountability and responsibility."

Many schools have noticed the trend, but they've been reluctant to alienate parents. Some have tried to accommodate the change, opening parental liaison offices, for instance.

But some schools, while glad to see parents care, are expressing concern over the downside. During freshman orientation this year at Northeastern University in Boston, administrators urged parents not to call their children but to let them call home when they want to talk. At Washington University in St. Louis, upperclassmen perform skits about healthy transitioning for parents. The University of Vermont hires students as "parent bouncers" to delicately keep parents from interfering in, for instance, meetings with advisers.

At Colgate, parents used to receive a sheet listing administrators' phone numbers. This year, they got a statement about Colgate's philosophy of self-reliance - a message that was hammered home repeatedly in talks by administrators. Next year, the school may assign parents summer reading on the transition to college.

The approach will continue throughout the year, part of a larger emphasis at Colgate on "teachable moments" outside the classroom. A memo sent to departments ranging from residential life to counseling to public safety reminds employees: "We will not solve problems for students because it robs students of an opportunity to learn."

Mike Herling, a 1979 graduate with sons in the sophomore and freshman classes, said he welcomes the approach.

"It's the intercession on a regular basis they're trying to discourage, and I think it's important they do," he said. "Kids are much more self-confident and develop better decision-making skills if they're given the opportunity to make decisions for themselves."

But Colgate acknowledges not all parents will be happy, and that there have already been unpleasant calls.

"We get quoted the price tag frequently," said Dean of Student Affairs Jim Terhune. "But what you're paying for is an education, not a room at the Sheraton, and sometimes that education is uncomfortable."

Says Thompson, the counseling director and the parent of a college student himself: "I don't want them to be happy today. I want them to be happy a decade from now."

[araby]

Here's a derail with a splash of "hovering parents." Don't go back into the dentist office with your kids. You make it worse for them (AND US.) They'll be fine.

[Trielelvan]

Sorry, my childhood dentist repeatedly slapped either my arm or leg, or shook me if I coughed, was impatient and rude, and never listened to anything I said ("my mouth isn't numb yet" "Of course it is. Now be quiet" - I had 2 teeth pulled that way at age 9). To make it worse, my parents never believed a word out of me or my brother regarding the dentist's actions (cause they weren't there and couldn't possibly believe that a professional like him would do such a thing). Oh, and the dentist's assistants saw everything, and never did or said a damned thing.

That went on from age 5 to age 12 - at age 12, I threatened to feed him his hand held mirror if he ever shook me again. Not surprisingly, he referred my parents to a new dentist for me.

I'm never letting my kids go into the dentist's office without me there, so that in the off-chance my kid ends up with a crazy dentist like I did, I can shove that drill straight up the dentist's nose, right before I sue his ass. Well, at least until my kids are old enough to do it themselves.

/derail

That is really a shame about the helicopter parents.

[mofish]

Yep, night and day between soem dentists. And dental assistants. Our dentist was good, but one of his assistants was gentle and efficient. The other was rough and uncaring. Definitely monitor who your sending your kid to for the work. The person doing it makes all the difference in the world.

[araby]

Sorry, my childhood dentist repeatedly slapped either my arm or leg, or shook me if I coughed, was impatient and rude, and never listened to anything I said ("my mouth isn't numb yet" "Of course it is. Now be quiet" - I had 2 teeth pulled that way at age 9). To make it worse, my parents never believed a word out of me or my brother regarding the dentist's actions (cause they weren't there and couldn't possibly believe that a professional like him would do such a thing). Oh, and the dentist's assistants saw everything, and never did or said a damned thing.

That went on from age 5 to age 12 - at age 12, I threatened to feed him his hand held mirror if he ever shook me again. Not surprisingly, he referred my parents to a new dentist for me.

I'm never letting my kids go into the dentist's office without me there, so that in the off-chance my kid ends up with a crazy dentist like I did, I can shove that drill straight up the dentist's nose, right before I sue his ass. Well, at least until my kids are old enough to do it themselves.

/derail

That is really a shame about the helicopter parents.

yah, you're experience is a lot like many I've heard, but bear in mind that those things don't happen as much now the way they did then. doctors back then were freaks. I wasn't suggesting you blindly send your children in to any quack on the street practicing. Every parent should obviously know the doctor.

My post though was in a small relation to martrae's post. Parents have to know when it's okay to let go. I'm suggesting, because I know this...that your children will behave much better and have a better experience if you don't go back with them. When you do...they think there is a reason to be scared. And usually...unless the child is just NOT going to cooperate, they do better than adults do. when they don't cooperate, most doctors, if they practice standard of care dentistry, will refer them to a pedodontist.

[Trielelvan]

My post though was in a small relation to martrae's post. Parents have to know when it's okay to let go.

Yup, I understand where you're coming from. I actually do totally agree with you on that. Pardon my dentist rant - it just happens to be a sore spot with me. There is a fine line between watching over your kids and coddling them to death. I've seen many examples of the latter as well, all with bad endings.

The kids in the article Mart posted that are in college being coddled by their parents 1000 miles away - these are kids who will have a damned hard time maturing into responsible free-thinking adults that are able to overcome real obstacles by themselves. My ex-husband is one of them - he never did anything without consulting his father first. Sad, sad, sad... gotta let them make mistakes and see what real world consequences are like (not that college life is all that "real", but it's closer to it than home with mom & dad)

[araby]

I'm sure that a lot of the same parents have true concerns and act on them. At the same time, I believe that the fact that they have money gets them what they want and I think they like to abuse this power. It happens a lot here and because the doctor I work for runs a million dollar practice, I see many patients that run in her circle..you should hear them talk.

They intervene because they can and, just like in this situation, it's not really doing them any good.

I had a brief conversation a while back with a chick who said that she won't have children because the child's teachers would hate her. She thinks she's way smarter than everyone else and while I understand that kind of frustration with ignorance, I'm glad she's not having kids because I could see her being one of these parents. talking to be heard...

[Minrott]

Pardon nothing, I had just as bad, or worse, experiences with my childhood dentist. To the point where I can't even go see the dentist now without extreme anxiety. If I have to have any real "work" done, I have to go to an oral surgeon so I can be knocked out.

I trust dentists less than polititians and there's no way in hell my children will be seeing one alone.


Anyway, I think I spoke to my parents once or twice a month when I was in college.

[Captain Insano]

That college should invite the "troubled parent" onto campus and then beat the fuck out of him/her and the kid with titanium yardstick shocklances.

I hate baby boomers and their poorly raised shitty ass kids. Baby boomers are ex-dirty hippie scum who didn't absolutely nothing with their lives other than mooch off the government, smoke weed and spit out obnoxious little demon children who are now college age. I hope their lacksidasical attempt at some degree of parenting now that their kids are in college only forces a great degree of rebelliousness and their kids end up working at McDonald's and Walmart until they die.