namelesstavern.net

by **mofish** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 9:13 am

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.

People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on fucking electrics. Rotary blades, my white ass!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!

The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that fucker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me—the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge—the razor's edge—and I feel like dancing.

by **Eldred** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 9:19 am

I damn the second strip lathers I will not be buying this razor, I can't shave with shaving cream. I have to just use water and a razor. Looks like I'm going to stay with my trusty Mach 3.

by **Ouchyfish** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 9:46 am

I knew it was just a matter of time...and you know 6 will be next etc, etc.

I got a Norelco for Xmas..been happily blade free for 2 months now. (Fuckers were getting WAY too expensive)

by **Eldred** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 9:54 am

I had an electirc shaver for about a year, I hated the way his shaved my face plus I have a gatee so it was harder to get the lines straight.

by **Ouchyfish** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 9:56 am

I have a goatee too-I just use the thingie on top for that. Friggin blades were getting to be about 14 bucks for 5 blades..fuck that in the goat ass.

Plus it's much easier shaving my pubic hair with my electric than it was with my blades.

(made up that last part lol)

edit: screw you brin hahaha

by **brinstar** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 10:04 am

what's public hair

by **Eldred** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 10:06 am

Ehh I don't have a problem shaving the boys w/ a razor. Just got to becareful you don't catch a peice of skin.

by **kaharthemad** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 10:12 am

Eldred wrote:Ehh I don't have a problem shaving the boys w/ a razor. Just got to becareful you don't catch a peice of skin.

unless you have parkinsons disease. Thn you get the added benefit of a Vasectomy while shaving.

by **mofish** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 10:30 am

I stopped using razors a couple of years ago. Wear a neatly trimmmed beard usually, the clippers I have do a good job all around, no complaints.

by **Eldred** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 11:02 am

Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of guys who like electric shavers. I've tried a few over the years I just have never found one that gave my face a good shave. So I prefer to stick w/ a razor.

by **labbats** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 11:05 am

I'll never use an electric razor after I saw how it gnarled and chewed up the hair on your face. Check out the up close pictures of the hair afterwards... nasty business.

by **Trielelvan** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 3:09 pm

Best $160 we ever spent for my husband

It's self cleaning too. He's been using it for over a year - no signs of the blades dulling at all, and it shaves as close as the first day he used it. Best electric I have ever seen.

by **araby** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 3:47 pm

I like my men unkempt.

by **Ouchyfish** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 3:56 pm

by **araby** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:46 pm

not homeless :wink:

by **Ouchyfish** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 5:23 pm

scary thought tho..is that his only flaw in your opinion? hehe

by **araby** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 5:28 pm

well it's the obvious and I figured that was enough!

by **Ouchyfish** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 5:47 pm

by **Tikker** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 7:08 pm

Everytime I think I want an electric shaver I remember that those peices of shit can't do the skull

by **Ouchyfish** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 7:19 pm

this thread needs more pictures of crazy folks with beards

by **Witty** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 7:40 pm

Sir I commend your vision! I see your crazy bearded man, and raise you larping battle scars!

<img src="http://namelesstavern.org/phpBB2/album_pic.php?pic_id=1044">

by **Mop** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 7:45 pm

by **Trielelvan** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 9:12 pm

Mop wrote:

by **Drem** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 10:06 pm

Eldred wrote:I damn the second strip lathers I will not be buying this razor, I can't shave with shaving cream. I have to just use water and a razor. Looks like I'm going to stay with my trusty Mach 3.

by **Aatrex** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 10:09 pm

namelesstavern.net

Fuck everything, we're doing five blades

Fuck everything, we're doing five blades

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