Letter to the Bank

[Iccarra]

A friend sent this to me today, which I found to be quite amusing. I would be so very tempted to send something like this...

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that at all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/
her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits, but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
the buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to
the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

Your Humble Client

[Evermore]

ok thats funny. I like.