Secret Society

[Lyion]

Stolen from the Dilbert Blog. Amusing.

My favorite conspiracy theory is the one that says the world is being run by a handful of ultra-rich capitalists, and that our elected governments are mere puppets. I sure hope it’s true. Otherwise my survival depends on hordes of clueless goobers electing competent leaders. That’s about as likely as a dog pissing the Mona Lisa into a snow bank.

The only way I can get to sleep at night is by imagining a secret cabal of highly competent puppetmasters who are handling the important decisions while our elected politicians debate flag burning and the definition of marriage.

It’s the only explanation for how the governments of the world could be staffed with morons and yet everything still runs okay, sort of. Granted, things aren’t perfect, but when you hear our leaders talk, you have to wonder why our energy policy doesn’t involve burning asbestos on playgrounds. There must be some competent people pulling the strings behind the curtain, adjusting the money supply, twiddling with interest rates, choosing the winners for American Idol, and that sort of thing.

I know some of you will say that it’s obvious that corporate money influences the government. But that’s not enough to make me feel comfortable. I want to know there’s an actual meeting of the puppetmasters every Thursday at 3 pm. I want to know that when one of them suggests a new policy that the group votes by pressing buttons on their chairs and if the idea is deemed bad, the offender drops through a hole in the floor and is eaten by a golden shark. You can’t tell me that democracy produces better policies than the golden shark method.

I also dream of one day being invited to join the secret cabal as an apprentice puppetmaster. I wouldn’t qualify based on my net worth, so I’d have to hope there was a Dilbert fan in the group. Dilbert fans are unpredictable, so there’s some chance he’d just want to extract the carbon from my body and keep it in a locket. The puppetmasters probably have a machine for just that purpose. But it’s a chance I’m willing to take.

Once I got on the inside (of the cabal, not the locket) I would distinguish myself with my excellent ideas for running the world. For example, I would require that cigarette butts be made of soy protein so that street people could eat the ones they find in the cracks of sidewalks. It’s good for the environment and everyone wins. That’s my best idea, but I’ll bet you have a few of your own.