OK so here goes.

[The Kizzy]

I don't post much on this board anymore, but all my friends and family of course will take my side and not be objective and that is exactly what I need right now.

So as some of you know, I moved back to Texas about 2 and 1/2 years ago. I took my youngest son, but because of all the problems I had with my oldest son I left him with his father, because we thought that was what was best. It was for a while, he did better in school, and his attitude had definetly changed for the better.

So skip forward until a few months ago. While my youngest son is a very well behaved boy who never gets into any trouble and makes straight A's in school, my oldest son is barely passing school, and seems to always be in trouble. It bothers me that his father leaves him alone alot, and I'm not just talking about after school until Dad gets home from work, but I mean like when he goes out to the bar or out with his friends, Trystin stays home alone. He is 12. He thinks he is a gangster and has recently tackled a grown woman and asked her husband and brother in law to help him rape her. He was just kidding, but I don't think it was funny.

Recently, while at home unsupervised, a 9 year old girl came over and they got into an argument and Trystin thought he was being cool in front of his other friends and lifted up his shorts and boxers and she saw his penis. She went home and told her mother, who came by later that night to talk to David. David has a short temper, and often looses his cool. He started cussing at the woman, and called her a few choice words and called her daughter a few choice words too. She got the police involved, and he thought the incident was dropped.

He didn't call me to let me know what happened until a couple of weeks ago, and the only reason he told me was because the CPS was going to call me the next day and get some information from me about how Trystin was raised and our family life when we were married, and about how we both grew up.

He went to court on Monday and was sentenced to 6 months probation, mandatory counseling, and 1-90 days in a juvenile detention center, and that was deffered? (not sure what it is called) and he won't have to go if he stays out of trouble.

He comes down here July 12th for 6 weeks. I am debating on asking for emergency custody, because I don't feel that his Dad is doing a good job raising him but I am afraid to have him around my son, and if he does move down here I cant live with my brother anymore who is a major positive influence on my youngest son's life. Now, while I make decent money, and I can live on my own no problems, I don't want to put my 7 year old in the same position as my 12 year old. I don't want to have to rely on his friends babysitting when I have to work, or have to run into the situation where I have to leave him alone for any extended periods of time.

So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. While I don't want to give up on my older son, I also don't want to ruin the good thing I have going with my 7 year old.

Thanks.

[recks]

If I were you, I would contact a lawyer in regards to your son's sentence as it seems absolutely ludicrous a 12 year old boy would get dealt with that harshly over something so minor. As long as he didn't press anything on her (not literally) and simply flashed, the sentence is complete bullshit.

Secondly, I would talk to his father and discuss your concerns with him. Does Trystin like his father? Will separating the two have a negative effect on him? It seems to me that you really have no choice but to take your son in. Not to point out the obvious, but he's your son. He's way under 18 and needs his parents, you can't give up on a 12 year old. 12 year olds can and WILL change with positive reinforcement and examples. Offer him some sort of mentor, if your brother does so well with your 7 year old, why can't he mentor Trystin? Talk with Trystin about YOUR concerns regarding his adverse effect on your 7 year old. I would use the 6 weeks to gauge how well Trystin will react in his new environment and how he interacts with his little bro.

[Evermore]

check your pm

[Tikker]

If I were you, I would contact a lawyer in regards to your son's sentence as it seems absolutely ludicrous a 12 year old boy would get dealt with that harshly over something so minor. As long as he didn't press anything on her (not literally) and simply flashed, the sentence is complete bullshit..

i think it would be more bullshit to just let him off with nothing

letting people get away with stupid shit just makes it harder to draw the line later on

[The Kizzy]

If I were you, I would contact a lawyer in regards to your son's sentence as it seems absolutely ludicrous a 12 year old boy would get dealt with that harshly over something so minor. As long as he didn't press anything on her (not literally) and simply flashed, the sentence is complete bullshit..

i think it would be more bullshit to just let him off with nothing

letting people get away with stupid shit just makes it harder to draw the line later on

I feel so dirty saying that I agree with Tikker. I think a harsh sentence is what he needs. Hopefully it will help him learn from this and hopefully not do it again.

My brother has an 11 year old daughter, who has a step father and mother who are very strange. If they ever found out that Trystin had gotten into trouble like this, they would not let her visit her Dad on his weekends. I know it doesn't make sense, but that is just the way they are. I can't blame him for that.

[Martrae]

Why would you need to rely on your 7 year old friends to watch him while you work? What do you do now?

[The Kizzy]

Why would you need to rely on your 7 year old friends to watch him while you work? What do you do now?

I mostly work 6-3, so my brother puts him on the bus in the morning, and I am usually home before he gets off the bus. If I work a night shift, then he goes to after school care, until I go to lunch at 6, then I pick him up and bring him home and my brother watches him, and of course he walks him on the weekend when I work.

As for the summer, he has been going to a friends house, and he leaves Friday to go to his Dad's for a couple of weeks. When he gets back, they will both be going to my friends house.

If my oldest moves down, and I move out, I don't have my brother to rely on.

[Martrae]

Why not? Wouldn't he be willing to watch both boys? It would mean a little extra running around for you but it's doable especially if you move somewhere close to your brother.

[recks]

If I were you, I would contact a lawyer in regards to your son's sentence as it seems absolutely ludicrous a 12 year old boy would get dealt with that harshly over something so minor. As long as he didn't press anything on her (not literally) and simply flashed, the sentence is complete bullshit..

i think it would be more bullshit to just let him off with nothing

letting people get away with stupid shit just makes it harder to draw the line later on

I feel so dirty saying that I agree with Tikker. I think a harsh sentence is what he needs. Hopefully it will help him learn from this and hopefully not do it again.

My brother has an 11 year old daughter, who has a step father and mother who are very strange. If they ever found out that Trystin had gotten into trouble like this, they would not let her visit her Dad on his weekends. I know it doesn't make sense, but that is just the way they are. I can't blame him for that.

My concern would be that your son has used a deferred sentence at the age of 12. My understanding is that this means his minor offense will be wiped from record... but in the future if your son commits something else minor, over the age of 18, will he still have the option of a deferred sentence available? There is a rule like this in NZ (and I'm well aware that US and NZ law will be different) where you only get to defer a minor sentence once, and once only.

[Tikker]

I'm kind of thinking that if you're worried about the number of deferrments possible, then you're already on the wrong track and need to be erased from the gene pool

[brinstar]

sex crime = punishment

[Tikker]

. He's way under 18 and needs his parents, you can't give up on a 12 year old.

I agree. you can't give up on the kid

Talk with Trystin about YOUR concerns regarding his adverse effect on your 7 year old. I would use the 6 weeks to gauge how well Trystin will react in his new environment and how he interacts with his little bro.

I'm not sure I'd have that conversation

no matter how it's put all he's going to hear is "you're the screwed up one, don't screw up my favourite son"

[Arlos]

Indeed, he already could easily feel "Mom doesn't love me as much as she does my brother", given evidence by who she insisted stay with her.

Unfortunately, I don't have any sort of easy answer on what to do with the original problem. Giving up on a kid is just a bad idea, but without any way to really actually care for him.... *shrug* I'd talk to a lawyer and/or someone from Child Protective Services, m'self.

-Arlos

[Kramer]

hey check your pm, i am a therapist in Houston and could possibly offer you some folks to contact for help/advice.

[recks]

. He's way under 18 and needs his parents, you can't give up on a 12 year old.

I agree. you can't give up on the kid

Talk with Trystin about YOUR concerns regarding his adverse effect on your 7 year old. I would use the 6 weeks to gauge how well Trystin will react in his new environment and how he interacts with his little bro.

I'm not sure I'd have that conversation

no matter how it's put all he's going to hear is "you're the screwed up one, don't screw up my favourite son"

What's wrong with a little responsibility? Worst case he doesn't care and nothing changes... best case it installs some sense of self-worth, which he sounds like he needs.

You people are the parents I guess... I can't even pick up a kid without them crying!

[Markarado]

If I had to change a diaper on a kid I'd probably have to YouTube it to learn how. ... step.... by.... step...

No advice for you on the subject at hand though... I think it's something parents would know much more about than myself.

[Trielelvan]

. He's way under 18 and needs his parents, you can't give up on a 12 year old.

I agree. you can't give up on the kid

Talk with Trystin about YOUR concerns regarding his adverse effect on your 7 year old. I would use the 6 weeks to gauge how well Trystin will react in his new environment and how he interacts with his little bro.

I'm not sure I'd have that conversation

no matter how it's put all he's going to hear is "you're the screwed up one, don't screw up my favourite son"

What's wrong with a little responsibility? Worst case he doesn't care and nothing changes... best case it installs some sense of self-worth, which he sounds like he needs.

You people are the parents I guess... I can't even pick up a kid without them crying!

Part of the problem with this is some background which you probably aren't aware of, and because of said background, I have to agree with Tikker... I don't think that particular conversation is a good idea.

Sorry to hear this Kiz >< I have nothing more to add. I sincerely hope everything works out for the best. They are such beautiful kids.

[Gypsiyee]

Janet, personally I think you're looking at it all the wrong way. Tikker is right about the only thing he's going to hear is 'don't screw up my favorite son.' I think that what Jonathan is saying needs to be portrayed, but in different words.. I think rather than point out 'hey, don't be a shithead and show Kale (did i spell his name right) how to be a shithead' it needs to be addressed more like 'your brother looks up to you and I know you can show him how to be great' - it'd definitely need a positive spin rather than a negative.

Through the years, we've seen lots of posts on this board with you and I know you struggle with your oldest, but I think mentally you were exhausted of him a while ago. I know you love him, but you can't look at it as the bad one is going to taint the good one - you have to think of what the kid's been through. You guys have been divorced a while now and he's been on a see-saw ever since.. he's moved a lot, he gets traded between the two of you, and he's probably smart enough to realize that he's not exactly the golden child. whether he has behavior problems or not, at his age there's likely a reason he has those problems, and generally it's going to be a very short distance to the reason; I hate to be blunt and come off rude, and I'm saying this only because you asked - the reason lies within what you two have put him through, I think. He needs discipline, clearly, but he also needs parents who can work together rather than against each other to help him.

I know you guys are trying to do what's best for him, but in the meantime your actions come off as selfish at times, and all he knows is that he's moved, a lot, that he gets in trouble, mom's had a few different guy friends in different places, dad's gf is a bitch. He knows that you and your ex argue, he knows he was split hundreds of miles away from his brother - while it may have seemed the best solution at the time, I don't know if it's ever wise splitting siblings that far apart from each other unless they had a real problem between them. the last thing he needs, imo, is to add a definitive 'mom gave up on me because I'm bad' to the list. 12 is at the peak of the 'old enough to really get it' age - if you think taking him back into your care is the best for him, then you need to do it, but you really need to work with your ex and try to get him to come to an understanding with you. i don't doubt he's doing a bad job, but it's still his son, and he's still taken part in his son's life so it's not like he's some deadbeat. If you guys can't work together to come to a solution that's best for your child, the youngest isn't going to stay perfect forever either.

Your brother clearly wants to do all he can to help you out, and since he'll be a big part of his life if he moves back with you, I'm sure you can sit down and talk to him and work something out. either way, you need to not look at this as poison tainting the well.. the kiddo needs stability more than anything, and as his mom you're the only one who can give it to him.

[leah]

i agree with gyps, man. kid's been put through some crazy shit so it's no wonder he's acting out. he needs stability and discipline.

[Martrae]

Thanx, Gyps for saying what I was thinking. He's your son, too, and you can't just abandon him.

What kind of disturbs me about your post, Janet is the part where you say 'your family will side with you'. What exactly did you mean by that? Side with you how?

[The Kizzy]

Gyps, I didnt think you came off rude at all. Just honest.

Whatever I say I want to do, my family will agree with. Except my mother, but she is bi-polar and doesnt count. Her exact words were "Don't let Trystin taint Kael" and "David is the one who screwed him up, let David raise him, don't waste your time"

[Tikker]

I don't envy your situation at all

I totally understand what's going thru your brain, and I'm not sure there's really a 100% correct answer

[Evermore]

there isnt tikk. its a matter of picking the best path for all concerned.

[Darcler]

Private All Boys school.

Make it a Catholic school with nuns and rulers.

[Diekan]

The kid is going to need counseling... REAL counseling. Two sexual based incidents already and he's only 12? He's got the markings of a sexual predator already and he hasn't even finished puberty yet.

I hope he gets the help he needs NOW before he ends up assaulting and or killing someone.