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“We owe a great debt of gratitude to Lebron,” said GM Jim Paxson. “After we saw Utah’s offer, we knew we had no chance to match it. So we did something we really didn’t want to do, which is go to Lebron and ask for help. He offered his assistance immediately. In fact, within an hour he was at our office with a big bag of cash. There were hundred dollar bills spilling out of it as he walked in the door. He just tossed it on my desk, asked if there was anything else we needed, and then left. He was talking on his cell phone the whole time. Talk about nonchalant. He probably found the money between the seats of his Hummer.”

Now that we have Carlos Boozer locked up for ten years, we should start hanging up those banners, because we all know that Duke graduates mean boatloads of championships.”