Post your pianist jokes

[Donnel]

An unemployed piano player walks into a piano bar and starts jamming. The manager runs up to him and says he’s never heard anything quite like it.

“Thanks,” says the pianist, who launches into another song. “I call that one ‘I Wanna Suck Your Titties.’ This one’s called ‘Screwing a Bag Lady.’”

“Tell you what,” says the manager. “Come by tonight and we’ll see how it goes. Just don’t go announcing the names of your songs.”

That night the pianist shows up and quickly gets the place rocking. After playing for an hour, he excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. When he returns, a hush falls over the crowd. As he prepares to begin playing, one of the customers leans over to him and says, “Hey, buddy. Do you know your schlong is hanging out of your zipper?”

“Know it?” exclaims the pianist excitedly. “I wrote it!”

[Insanityfair]

At the Senior Citizens' luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since
both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the
river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asks the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her
shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right in the boat.
When finished the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had
just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a
while and then continued on down the river when soon they came upon another
fork in the river.
He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" There she went again,
stripped off and made wild passionate love to him again. This
really impressed the old gentleman so he asked her to go fishing again the
next day. She said yes and so here they were the next day, riding in the
boat when they came upon the fork in the river and the gentleman
asks,"Well, do you want to go up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came
upon another fork in the river and he asks the lady, "Do you want to go up
or down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asks, "What's the deal?
Every time yesterday that I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you
made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing."
She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in and I thought
you said 'fuck or drown'!"


**not a pianist joke but this one's better anyway**

[Lionking]

Best of both worlds: pianist joke and a bar joke!

...

A man walks into a bar looking disappointed and carrying a black bag over one
shoulder. He sits down at the bar. The bartender walks up.

"What`s in the bag?", asks the bartender.

The man puts the bag on the bar, reaches in and pulls out a baby grand piano, a
small bench and a 12 inch tall man wearing a top hat and a tux with tails.

The 12 inch tall man sits down at the piano and begins playing Beethoven. "That`s
amazing!" says the bartender, his eyes wide with disbelief. "Where did he come
from?".

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. "Rub the lamp" he says,
pushing the lamp toward the bartender. The bartender grabs the lamp and begins
rubbing it vigorously with his bar rag. Out pops an old, wrinkled genie. "I
grant you one wish" he says to the bartender.

"I want a million bucks!" says the bartender.

"Done" says the genie. The genie disappears back into the lamp.

Moments pass.

Suddenly a duck appears on the bar with a poof. Then another....and another.
They appear on the bar stools...on the tables...on the Budweiser sign on the
wall. POOF...POOF...POOF. Thousands...tens of thousands of ducks begin to fill
the bar!

"Christ!" shouts the bartender. "I didn`t say ducks!" he yells, "I said bucks!".

The man at the bar looks at the bartender, "You think I asked for a 12 inch
pianist?"

[leah]

Best of both worlds: pianist joke and a bar joke!

...

A man walks into a bar looking disappointed and carrying a black bag over one
shoulder. He sits down at the bar. The bartender walks up.

"What`s in the bag?", asks the bartender.

The man puts the bag on the bar, reaches in and pulls out a baby grand piano, a
small bench and a 12 inch tall man wearing a top hat and a tux with tails.

The 12 inch tall man sits down at the piano and begins playing Beethoven. "That`s
amazing!" says the bartender, his eyes wide with disbelief. "Where did he come
from?".

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. "Rub the lamp" he says,
pushing the lamp toward the bartender. The bartender grabs the lamp and begins
rubbing it vigorously with his bar rag. Out pops an old, wrinkled genie. "I
grant you one wish" he says to the bartender.

"I want a million bucks!" says the bartender.

"Done" says the genie. The genie disappears back into the lamp.

Moments pass.

Suddenly a duck appears on the bar with a poof. Then another....and another.
They appear on the bar stools...on the tables...on the Budweiser sign on the
wall. POOF...POOF...POOF. Thousands...tens of thousands of ducks begin to fill
the bar!

"Christ!" shouts the bartender. "I didn`t say ducks!" he yells, "I said bucks!".

The man at the bar looks at the bartender, "You think I asked for a 12 inch
pianist?"

that's the one i was going to tell

[araby]

haha!

Okay so a pianist loses both arms in a car crash and having had both hands insured he received money to afford a scientific breakthrough-arms that do what you tell them to do. He had the surgery and in rehab, he taught his new hands how to play again, by telling them what to do, all was well.

at home one day, he's showering and his dick gets a little hard when his hand washes it...so the man thinks "hmmm" and says, "hand stroke my penis" and it does. getting into it..he says, "that's right, jerk me off" and the arms rips his dick right off.

the man says, "FUCK!" and the hand/arm shoves his dick into his ass, and he yells, "LOOK AT THAT SHIT!" and it rams the dick into his eye.

[Drem]

New Year's resolution:

[Witty]

You want to be a c note?

[Drem]

no... that's not the point of the joke. it's a theory joke

[Martrae]

mood killer!

[brinstar]

no... that's not the point of the joke. it's a theory joke

i got it

[Witty]

oh, ok... so you want to be a c note <i>theoretically</i>... lol I get it

[Drem]

it's because that notation is called a resolution. yunno, D creates dissonance with the C-major interval and then it resolves to the tonic...

[Witty]

...I knew that.