Wikihow

[Durothil Skyreaver]

I imagine this has been posted at some point along the line but I just typed in "kick ass" at http://www.wikihow.com and saw this:

How to Act like Steven Seagal

Here's how to be like the dalai lama of ass kickin', Steven Seagal.

Steps

Get the dress sense right:

Get a nice leather jacket. This will improve your ability to carry out the martial arts moves you know nothing about, simply because it "feels Seagal".

If you are not wearing the leather jacket, you must wear a floral design shirt or one of those creepy silk vests seagal wears. This will never ever get ripped or torn in any way, because Seagal's clothes are invincible.
Snakeskin boots...Chuck Norris does it, but Seagal does it so much better.

Refine the moves that are a Signature Seagal

Learn the RUN: Seagal's sprinting style is all his own. To practice do this: Imagine you are Gay and run while flapping your arms doing your best Nancy and pretend your crotch is on fire... that's what Seagal looks like running.

Practice loading a .45 by cocking the slide from the barrel using only the tip of your index finger.

Practice disarming the scumbag pointing the pistol at you by grabbing the pistol slide and pulling it toward you, right off the gun (see Jackie Chan for actual demo.)

Get the look:

Jet black ponytail so gelled up with assorted hair products it never moves....not even on top of a moving train.

Never smile. You must look serious, dangerous and like you've just found out you've got rectal cancer. Seagal never smiles.....ever.

Adjust your personality:

You're a loose cannon, a wreckless psycho, a chef. Everything you say must be threatening or sarcastic. Never express any emotions such as happiness, sadness. Only anger...always anger.

Speak in a low voice. Remember to speak low enough so nobody can understand a word you are saying. This is the key to Seagal-like intimidation.

Know your moves:

Never ever make noises or screams when you are attacking your enemy. Seagal never does this in any movie.
Pull the "Seagal face" while in a fight. Simply tuck your lower lip in under your upper teeth and look really, really focused. This is the face of determination.

Use novelty items to beat your opponents. Seagal has used brushes, cleavers, even household plants to knock down his foes.

Plan the perfect fight:

Make sure as you fight that you have a large number of enemies. As you attack each one, the other must dance around menancingly until it is his turn to get smashed up.

Have one of your friends bring a stereo. Yes, as you fight there must be some heavy bass-oriented track in the background. Remember the following: hard techno music for fighting random punks and heavy metal for fighting bikers, goths, etc.

Use one liners. Say something witty as you smash up your foes. Such as, after breaking a rake off someone's face, say something like "You just went out with the leaves" or "What do you think of my gardening?"



Tips

Watch every Seagal movie back to back. This will suitably disrupt your own personality enough for your mind to absorb the "Seagalyness".
Practice speaking in your most contrived Bronx/Queens accent, punctuating words like, "MommaLuke" and "Moolon-yon" repeating 100 times the phrase, "Where's Ritchie?"

Listen to songs from The Crystal Cave. It has hidden lyrics that will warp your mind (e.g. "Girl It's Alright" is not about a girl Seagal lost, but a girl who had a restraining order placed on him).


Warnings

Pick your fights well. You are not really Seagal and will probably get your ass kicked.

Try to avoid the real Seagal while in your own Seagal mode. He will probably kick your ass harder than you've been kicked before. But thinking about it..who would win a Seagal vs. Seagal fight?

You can only pretend to be Seagal if one of the following has happened to you:

Your wife/cat/brother/friend was murdered by terrorists/corrupt policeman/old friend, etc.

You were put in a coma by your arch nemesis and you have awoken seeking revenge on him and all of his associated friends/family/pets, etc.
You must know how to throw a punch or kick.[/url]

[Tikker]

I liked Under Siege