An editorial...

[10sun]

From the Fifth Avenue Gazette (http://www.fifthavenuegazette.com/)

Hillcrest – I live three blocks from a Whole Foods market. It has absolutely spectacular produce – the best in town. It’s a little pricy, but I like the best things in life. I frequent the place not just because of its proximity to my home and the quality of its selection. I also go there reguarly because loyalty is a virtue that I value in myself as much as I value it in others. If I find the best I stick with it.

That being said, Whole Foods is not open all night. I keep odd hours. Many’s the time I have popped out for some groceries at one in the morning when Whole Foods is closed. As special a place as Whole Foods is, as much as I value loyalty, I’m here to tell you, if the Whole Foods is closed, I’m going to Ralph’s. That’s just the way it is. It doesn’t mean I don’t prefer my first choice, but dammit, if I want something I want it now.

I’m about to draw an analogy and it might offend half of you. I don’t really care. Ladies, think of yourselves as well-lit, well-stocked, nice, shiny rows of melons. I might prefer one of you to another, but if I want some honeydew and your store’s not open, I’m finding an all-night supermarket.

Now whereas I’ve been regularly unfaithful to my market of choice, popping into 7-11 and Vons and Albertsons for oranges and what-not with great regularity, I have been far too faithful to my one source of crotch fruit for far too long. I feel bad about violating Whole Foods’ trust in me. But I feel even worse about myself for trying to stick with the one female produce aisle I know for a fact ain’t ever gonna be open 24 hours. In fact, it’s been closed for remodeling for like fucking EVER!

I’ve heard all the reasons why y’all like to shut down for a while. They’re all complete bull shit. Let’s take them in order, shall we?

1. “I’m just not in the mood.”
I don’t give a shit. Just what kind of a “mood” do you have to be in to shut the hell up and lay still for a while? Most of the time we aren’t in the mood to do half of what we have to do constantly. I, for one, am never in the mood to help you change the sheets or watch the fucking Food Network with you while you tell me about your day. Mood is no excuse. What you do for us requires so damn little, you can be in the mood for a root canal and still give up some pussy. There’s excuse number one done for.

2. “I’m sore.”
No way in hell I’m buying this heaping, stinking pile of crap. I’ve tried to wear a vagina for a hat and I couldn’t hurt it. I’ve banged on those things with every part of my body and invited friends to help. We couldn’t hurt them with a tree stump. You might think this is the sort of lie that will work because it’s a back-handed compliment, akin to saying, “No, you’re not getting any pussy, but feel good about what a huge powerful cock you have.” Fuck you. You could do it. You just don’t want us to have any satisfaction. You act like the fucking thing’s a tender little flower. Bad news, baby – it ain’t special, it’s the hairy end of a gut. Let us fuck it.

3. (Usually uttered right after a figth that was a much your fault as it was ours) “I don’t feel close to you right now.”
Yeah – well roll over and tell me how close you feel when I’m balls deep in you. Pretend I’m someone else. That’s what I’m doing.

4. “We just did.”
Listen, I’m 41. If I can do it more than once you should be thanking your lucky stars! I have heard about a porn star who had sex with 1,000 men in a 24-hour period. You are physically equipped for such feats. We’re not. It doesn’t matter if we just did it once or even twice. You can always do it again. We rarely can and on the occasion that a stroke of lightning hits us in the dick you just need to open that little door and let us in. Besides, you’re just lying there anyway.

5. This one’s a real bitch, either “I feel icky,” or “I just took a shower.”
Well which one is it, bitch? You won’t let me have some because you’re too dirty or too clean? That silly pair of bullshit lies is some pretty solid evidence that you would crack under intense questioning. You can’t even keep your lies straight enough to deny me your vagina with any credibility.

Here endeth the rant. I don’t really know or care what your actual reasons might be for acting like your vagina is stitched from Joan of Arc’s silken crotch liner that has been stored in a Paris vault at 70 degress for the last thousand years. You can have whatever hang-ups you want when it comes to doling out doses of vitamin p. All I’m telling you is this: guard your goodies at your own risk because if Whole Foods is closed, your man’s going to Ralph’s.

Happy Friday,
Tony

[Gaazy]

Priceless

[Agrajag]

Yeah, that was pure gold!

[Markarado]

[Narrock]

Incoming... comments of defense for women from teh vagina squad.

[Jay]

I doubt it. Actually, I think the vagina squad will find it funny.

[KaiineTN]

Vagina Squad sounds like a future Adult Swim show that will flop.

[araby]

go to ralph's then. I already know that if you don't feed your cat someone else will. probably better food, too. I don't care.

[Narrock]

go to ralph's then. I already know that if you don't feed your cat someone else will. probably better food, too. I don't care.

A lot of women will get their cat fed elsewhere even though they're getting well fed at home.

[Martrae]

Wasn't that a Sam Kinison thing?

[Narrock]

Just a general observation about many women.

[Martrae]

I was talking about 10sun's post.

[Trielelvan]

4. “We just did.”
Listen, I’m 41. If I can do it more than once you should be thanking your lucky stars! I have heard about a porn star who had sex with 1,000 men in a 24-hour period. You are physically equipped for such feats. We’re not. It doesn’t matter if we just did it once or even twice. You can always do it again. We rarely can and on the occasion that a stroke of lightning hits us in the dick you just need to open that little door and let us in. Besides, you’re just lying there anyway.