by Arlos » Mon Jul 27, 2009 3:02 pm
I know we've not often seen eye to eye on things, but on this issue, I can tell you without hesitation that I understand much of what you are going through. You had your first real serious relationship, and it ended in a nightmare. Been there, done that. Without going into serious details, I'll just relate that I spent my 21st birthday on a 5 hour bus ride after getting kicked out and having my heart ripped out and stomped to pieces by someone I found out later never actually loved me but was just using me, and who at the same time convinced me that I deserved all the shit she did to me, and that it was all my fault. So yes, I understand what you are going through, and yes, it screwed me up in the head for quite a while. I've also dealt with my mother having cancer, though admittedly not at the same time as I went through that crap.
I wish I could tell you how to work through it, but that's something everyone has to work out for themselves. All I can give you is the following few things, and you are free to accept them or not as you wish, though I swear by everything I hold sacred that they are true:
1) Pain heals. I realize you may feel like it hurts more than anyone can know, but I assure you people have been there before and made it through. It may be slow, it may not be easy, but things WILL get better. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel that isn't an oncoming train. You may not see it yet, but it is there.
2) Don't let what you're going through stop you from going after other goals you had. If what you want is the army, KEEP PURSUING IT, and don't do anything stupid that would take it away from you, satisfying as it might be in the short run. Those goals may not seem as important right now as they once did, but if you don't pursue them, you'll regret that in the long run far more than you regret the relationship.
3) Don't try and take revenge, it just lowers you to their level. If they're that messed up they'd fuck you over, karma will get them in the end. The last I heard of the girl who screwed me over, for example, she was involved with a psycho guy who was abusive and would threaten suicide any time she'd mention leaving him, she was pregnant with his kid, and they were living together in a trailer park. All in all, far worse than anythign I could've done to her, and I got to still feel good about myself afterward.
4) Don't let this experience sour you on the idea of relationships. Easy to do, I assure you. Trusting seems impossible. But believe me, you will be hurting yourself worse than she ever could have if you disconnect and shut yourself off.
In any case, you can take those or leave them, it is up to you. You do have my wishes that things improve for you though, and that your mom's cancer turns out to be as yielding to treatment as my mother's was. Good luck.
-Arlos